Missing you already, Atlanta.

Since most of my entries lately have been of the sappy kind, I figured here was an opportunity to have some fun at Atlanta’s expense. Here goes...

Recently a friend asked me what I would miss most about Atlanta. Not just friends and family, he clarified…but what would I miss about the city itself? This was a hard question, since everything I came up with was readily available in most other large cities. I tried to think of things that were unique to Atlanta. Interesting ethnic restaurants? Yes, though hardly unique. Stone Mountain? Not quite the type of monument that makes me swell with pride. Culture? Hah! Kidding, right? OK, so that borders on just plain mean, but still I have to grimace a bit when I think of Atlanta’s cultural scene.

The conversation quickly gravitated from what I would miss to what I wouldn’t. Oh boy. Where to start? Before I begin, let me first point out that many of these issues are not unique to Atlanta and in fact are prevalent across the U.S.

I won’t miss fear-mongering billboards by Christian radio stations that tout their broadcasts as safe for the whole family. I won’t miss ‘Got Jesus?’ billboards. In fact, I wont miss any form of propaganda put out by the Religious Right. On a related note, this is probably where I should mention that I wont miss the Republican Party in general, and in particular ones with Southern accents that pronounce the word ‘schools’ as ‘skoools.’

I won’t miss Atlanta’s huge, HUGE traffic problem nor the urban sprawl that spawned it. I will, however, miss the occasional quip by Ted Turner where he calls the city a ‘Hellhole’ that is suffering from overdevelopment. (Try to forget that the man had like 8 kids, I think…not exactly a role model where population control is concerned, eh?)

Can’t say I’ll miss Atlanta politics, or Georgia’s pathetic anxiety over the State flag. My God, what a non-issue that one is. Yet, the politicians on both sides trot it out to distract the masses and succeed every time. Hmmm...come to think of it, Flag burning is pretty much the same thing but on a National scale. /sigh. I won’t miss Bling-Bling as a legitimate symbol of one’s culture. I won't miss people referring to Atlanta as the A-T-L.

I shall not soon pine for Atlanta’s non-existent philanthropic scene. In Atlanta, where it's ALL about business, philanthropy = a Giant Corporate Logo. I wonder if I will come to regret leaving Atlanta behind, what with it being the home of the world's LARGEST aquarium (and largest inferiority complex). I think not.

Lastly, I won’t miss iced tea that has been sweetened to the point where it can double as pancake syrup. Though it does occur to me that the American South is one of the few places in the world where macaroni & cheese is considered a vegetable. Now, there’s something I will miss. Has my hypocrisy been exposed? You bet it has.

Don't get me wrong, there's no naivety here. I’m not moving to Utopia. Every city or country has its quirks and irritants. They just go by different names and flow from similar, yet different, issues. I just hope I can look forward to having my radar scrambled for a little bit so at least I’ve got something new to puzzle over.